I hate change. Like hate it. I like plans and I like predictability. (Insert laugh out loud here that I find myself yet again far from home). But it goes deeper than not just enjoying frequent changes in address. I like being able to count on people to be who I think they are. More than counting on other people to be who I expect, I like to recognize myself! Over the past few months I have found myself just not feeling quite like myself.  It’s been more than humbling.

There are times in my life I look back on fondly and I can wish that people and things are like they were. But they aren’t. and thank goodness. I am positive Seth doesn’t want me to live as someone stuck in the past. He wants me to be here and in the now.  My kids deserve my affection and attention and shouldn’t have to beg for it when I am distracted by life. Change is hard but I know we are better for it.

A couple of yrs ago we experienced a curve ball in life that we weren’t expecting. As jolting and trying it was and continues to be, I have to take times periodically to step back and watch the changes that have come and the growth that has taken place. I can’t deny God’s hand in our lives and in the lives of others around us. For a while I tried to ride on the wave of blaming others for my feelings and for distance. I am SLOWLY realizing that it isn’t worth sacrificing my own joy to wallow in what I deserve or how things may have turned out prettier.  A friend recently tried on clothes with some girl friends and after trying numerous things her friend said “well, it is what it is”. I have used that quote in my own head alot lately. It’s so true. It is what it is. It isn’t “when I am skinnier”, “when it is sunnier”, “when they are happier and healthier”, “when so and so does____”. It is what it is. And I want to cash in on life. I can hold on to memories or I can embrace change.

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in

by Leonard Cohen

I may have posted the above before..I liked it so much when I saw it it is very possible I have used it. But it is appropriate here. I try so hard for perfect offerings and I often expect perfect offerings from those I love. I want things to be pretty and want to fix every crack. Thank goodness we are cracked because I sure do love the light. I am positive a few cracks have been added to my self over the past yrs, but I am also positive that I am experiencing more light than I did before. Look in the mirror and see what cracks you have. They may be prettier than you thought. Or they may need to crack a bit more to allow a little more light in.