I knew the day was coming. It actually came a while back in the spring. Jackson learned the word “hate” at school and it was just a matter of time before he would think he knew how to use it when he got mad…at me. Over the summer tensions were at all all time high. For Jackson in particular. He was so ready to just be a kid and not be pulled and prodded along with every packed suitcase, daddy across the country and no sign of his earthly belongings. I knew it was coming but I wasn’t prepared for how sad it made me feel. Clearly I knew Jackson loved me and didn’t mean it but oh my was he in big trouble! His punishment from Seth was that he would have to sit down at the table and write “Jackson loves mommy”. Most dramatic hour ever.   Jackson’s writing was so crazy (because he was steaming and smoke was coming out his ears) and ginormous that he filled up the numbers without having to write in every line but he didn’t know the difference. He just knew he didn’t want to do that again. It wasn’t the last time he said it, it has come again since and I am afraid will come for years to come. Parenting is tough on many levels.  We get to be the guinea pigs for our children’s pilot personalities, quirks and charms.  We get the unedited version that needs to be refined. Often my boys look like mirrors to my own rough edges. Yikes.

Jackson’s behavior has been on the up and up and I can already see maturity in him since school started.  Owen has know stepped in to fill the space while Jackson is away and is attempting to pull out all of the 2 year old stops. He is ever so slowly realizing that I have seen this before and  the reactions just aren’t as satisfying the second time around.

So I mentioned that Seth was sending me out to write a couple of nights ago. it didn’t happen that night but last night I got out and it was such a nice breather to miss bed time and be out of the house. I ordered a decaf salted caramel mocha and it was so yummy! I rarely order something new because I am scared I won’t like it! I highly recommend it!  And I highly recommend stepping out during bedtime sometime…if you are able of course.  It’s good to gain some perspective on my job as a mom and that often requires stepping away for a bit!  Thanks, Seth!

It was 4 years ago today that we sat in a hospital waiting room.  We were parents of a cancer patient. A 9 month old cancer patient. Jackson. I can remember it like it was just yesterday. We sat with our parents and my older brother Ryan.  We waited for the nurse to come out and tell us about Jackson’s surgery and if they were able to remove the mass. As Seth and I laid in bed last week one evening we were remembering the day we were told that Jackson had cancer. As we talked I felt my chest tighten and a flood of emotions come back.   The emotions are as real today as they were then.

Many of you know our story. How Jackson was diagnosed with Rhabdomyosarcoma, by not one oncologist but many from the top hospitals in the US. We were told he wouldn’t likely make it through the year, would have radiation that would eliminate his ability to have children and that if he did survive he would possibly have his leg amputated or very limited use of the affected leg. We blogged on here begging the world to pray. And you did. Every corner of the globe was praying for Jackson by name. And God chose to answer your prayers. I say your prayers because I distinctly remember my inability to pray clear prayers during those days. We were experiencing such shock and had to just pull it together to get to doctors appointments and keep life normal for our baby.  After a longer than expected surgery, the surgeon herself came out of the OR flabbergasted that there was no longer evidence of the mass. She opened his leg and found a mass of blood vessels remaining. His muscles were set to heal properly leaving no long term damage and he was set for recovery.

Today Jackson is an almost 5 year old ball of energy. He is smart as a whip and keeps us on our toes. He starts kindergarten in the Fall and loves life! At times his scar seems so much a part of him that I forget. And other days it catches my breath as I remember where we have been. Today we celebrate Jackson’s life. It isn’t his birthday but it’s a very special day when we look at his scar, stop and celebrate life! Tonight we will have his favorite meal, thai food! (although he tells me his Nama makes the best, mine will have to do tonight!)

Thank you for your prayers 4 years ago. Please let us know if there is ever a time when you need our support!

For 6 months now Owen and I pack up on Wednesday morning and head to a mommy and me swim class with some friends. I wanted to do something with Owen on our morning together while Jackson was at school and I wanted it to be out of the house and away from my other distractions. I wanted him to feel like I was really focusing on him for a bit.

Our swim mornings started out with 2 little boys enjoying milk and bread together, along with their bedhead. While the mommies chat away.

We reluctantly broke up the fun 2nd breakfast time and headed out to Heimburg about 20 minutes from us. They have a nice indoor pool and a wonderful baby class. The teacher is so creative. Miss Lisa (pronounced more like Liesel from the Sound of Music only without the “l” at the end. follow me?)  was super sweet and patient with the kids and tolerated lots of mom chatting.  Owen’s favorite activity what when she would give each child a plastic watering pail and one child would hold a clear umbrella over their head while the others showered him. Each week she had something new to show them. I don’t know if Owen learned a bit but he sure had fun!

forgive the foggy lens…the pool was so warm my lens wouldn’t clear…some people add these special effects! these are our steamy shots in the pool!

after swim class the boys would hop in and out of the lockers while we gathered our things.

And we would round them up, walk coral them out to the car, and hope the whole way home that we could successfully keep them awake so that they wouldn’t spoil their naps. Owen was very successful in thwarting my no sleep plans. he typically crashed within minutes of his snack.

Now I realize this all sounds so fun and innocent, so what could be the drama around going to swim class….

this just about sums to up! Swim class in Switzerland has been quite the cultural experience with nudity. Luckily Owen and I have found a little dressing room so I can be confident about my lack of confidence. Sheesh. My friend Nina and I giggle our way through the locker room as people very slowly shower and dress and lather lotion and dry their hair without a teeny tiny glimmer of feeling immodest. Now I am not talking about the typical American locker room experience where you turn your back, change your clothes quickly but make every effort to almost stay clothes while you maneuver the switch. You know where everyone is completely aware of everyone changing but no one looking and chatting. I am talking about people chatting and talking and taking their time….no one’s back turned!  I oscillate between feeling like it’s totally crazy and really kind of refreshing that people appear to have healthy self images and don’t feel like they have to be perfect to be seen. The refreshing part has yet to infuse confidence into me but I can see how it might be a good thing. for them! As I slipped my shoes off most weeks Owen stood wide eyed and mouth open as these women young and old got dressed. He had never seen such a sight. I decided that no matter how much Jackson would love a swim class as well it just was not worth it here. Not worth the risk of being sent out of Switzerland because my 4 year old could just not filter such an experience!!

It all started when we were on our trip to Texas. Our kids seemed to do well gradually adjusting to jetlag. Then we made our way to Seth’s parents lake house and “it” happened. Seth and I put Owen down for a nap and headed out for a walk with Jackson. Seth’s mom was sticking around so she could hear Owen when he woke up. Halfway around the lake I heard Owen’s voice carry across the water. But looking across the lake I could see my mother-in-law out front. That could only mean one thing….Owen got out of his crib. by. him. self.  He was a free boy with this new skill and has made our lives extra interesting ever since. He did it one day after his 2nd birthday which was EXACTLY when Jackson did it. Only difference is that Jackson wasn’t so graceful and scared the living daylights out of himself so it took him months to try it again. Owen on the other hand had finesse and made it look easy.

By the time we got back to Bern there was no keeping him contained.  A stern scolding, taking his pacifier, you name it we tried it, and it didn’t matter, he still climbed out.  So, a few days after we arrived back after Christmas in early January we removed the front rail on his bed so that he now has a toddler bed.   Take away the novelty and the habit will diminish right?!

helping daddy unscrew the bed.

Well, the novelty did not wear off. After the first week home we were so over the jetlag excuse. Owen was waking up all throughout the night…sometimes 10-15 times a night walking out of his room. He wasn’t fussing or fighting or screaming he was just wide awake and out of his bed. We started out with getting after him, telling him to stay in his bed, one of us lying on his floor, etc. We would lock the door and stand outside of it hoping he would go back to sleep and give up on opening the door and coming out. We have the typical stack of sleep books so we went through the gammat of suggestions. One of which was terrifying to try but actually worked to break his cycle. We would go in just before his typical say 2 AM wake up and we would re-situate him, give him his blankie, etc. Basically we did just enough to not wake him fully but to have him restart his sleep cycle.  We had to and continue to have to unscrew his light bulb at night to remove that element of excitement for him. We have transitioned into not talking at all and just walking him back to his bed. Those have gradually been the things that we have seen changes come from.

When all else failed our friend lent us this Swiss baby sheet that is a bit like a straight suit sheet. You zip the baby in to a fitted sheet. By the following picture you can tell how Owen felt about it. He was jumping with so much resistance that he was pulling the sheet off of the bed. Needless to say we didn’t get beyond this  initial attempt with the sheet. (sidenote: see the blue fabric wrapped on the rail of his crib….that was from his gnawing on the wood while teething phase)

So between early January and nearly March we have made slow, slow progress. The nights have gradually gotten better but the mornings have remained very early. Owen typically wakes up for the day at 5:30 AM if not earlier. That is when he begins to come out of his room, over and over again. Seth and I tag team and put him back in his room. He now has “the bunny clock” from Jackson’s room that shows him a picture of bunny sleeping or playing.

When asked the sleep rules at bedtime Owen will tell you “stay bed”, “no door”, “wait for bunny” and “no light”. The boy knows the rules….and ever so slowly we are moving towards obeying the rules. Slowly we are getting more rest.

The thought of another round of jetlag and the boys sharing a room starting in July is enough to make me cry after what we have been through. But we will just push through and do what we gotta do. Maybe being together will actually help?! Humor me. No need to reassure me that for years and years kids have shared rooms. I am aware. But I am also aware of our sleeplessness and my own kooky kids and they might not be stellar adapters with sleep. The transition to a shared room will only provide us a “Sleep Sage Part 2” in the future.

If you think of us, say a prayer for some great sleep. And pray for me this week as Seth heads back to the US. the thought of the early morning marches back to the toddler bed solo is a bit daunting knowing I will have the rest of the day sans assistance.