well, in actuality the fish is (was) named Stormy…but he was bought out of pity. A couple of days after Jackson broke his arm he was home and cooped up and miserable about missing so much at school. We had our fish bowl out in the garage waiting for a good day to give in and get the boys one and I gave Seth that “we need a darn goldfish look” or a puppy, but the second option wasn’t an option so goldfish it was.

Ages ago I wrote a post about the song Hush little baby, a vent of sorts. As parents it is so tough to not want your kids to be happy. I want my kids to be heard and comforted and affirmed, but I also want life to feel better. Sometimes that is in the form of extra time together, a spur of the moment treat and others it’s in the form of a 29 cent fish.  It is completely appropriate to want to give our kids things but often it isn’t whats needed. I could fill his room with balloons, play the cheeriest of music, tie a pony outside his front window for him to ride, and still his arm would be broken.

We woke up Sunday morning to 2 floating goldfish.  Yep, that’s right, the fish didn’t last as long as the cast, and neither did pity. We are over this cast thing.  Thankful for great doctors (who speak English), great medical care, and healing bones, but not so much for the big red, threat to self and others cast.  I will say the cast as been a catalyst of sorts for Jackson to have to work through disappointment and tempering his energy. So maybe we will all come out with a bit more knowledge and understanding….and one of us with a scronny arm. 

As the boys brainstorm their next pet and argue about who will pick the color of the dog or the size of the hamster, I am smiling thinking of the fish named Pity. He taught me a little lesson on my efforts to try to ignore the real needs.  Will we end up with another fish, likely, but it won’t be named Pity.

Disclaimer at the end of the post I will post a picture of Jackson’s arm….you will have to scroll down to see it to avoid shocking those that don’t want to see it!! So beware!

Since so many of you are asking about Jackson’s accident I thought I would post the story. He was across the street with Seth delivering cooking to the neighbors while I cooked dinner. It all started with these cookies…

He played for a few minutes with the neighbor and when he came down the stairs to head for the front door he fell forward off of the stairs and landed on his arm. Seth left Jackson with the neighbor to run to get me and the car. I ran over to get Jackson…who wasn’t crying but was in shock. Seth threw a cup of water on our freshly lit fire in the fireplace, turned off the burners from my cooking and grabbed Owen.  I ran across the street with Jackson and held him in the front seat trying to brace his arm as we drove.

We went to the Reston hospital ER because it was closest and we weren’t sure how severe the damage was. Looking back had I understood more I would have taken him the 30 min to Fairfax where they have a pediatric ER. Anyhow, we were helped quickly. Jackson was hooked up to morphine and fluids on arrival and sent for x-rays within the first few mins. It broke both bones in his left arm and it remained in what they called a “stair step” or 90 angle until they re-straightened (reduced it) it. The nurses were great and made sure he was comfortable. Seth went home with Owen and met my brother who stayed so Seth could meet me back at the hospital. 3 hours after arrival the pediatric attending told me that the ortho at Reston wasn’t responding to calls and quite honestly wouldn’t be comfortable fixing a pediatric break anyways so they sent us via ambulance to Fairfax Hospital. It was a long 4 hours of looking at the break. Luckily Jackson remained in shock and wasn’t processing much of it. The morphine helped!

The ambulance crew and greeting staff at Fairfax were great and got things rolling quickly. The doctor came in almost immediately and the ortho team arrived within 20 mins or so. They looked at the x-rays and got Jackson sedated so that they could fix his arm. He now has a temporary cast. One that allows swelling that they will actually just add the extra layer of hard cast to. The nurse pulled in a wheel chair for us to take Jackson to the car. He was still slightly sedated and looked at me with heart broken eyes, he said ” Mom, will I have to be in the wheelchair the rest of my life”. Poor guy, couldn’t remember if he broke his arm or leg.

We left home at 6 pm and arrived back home at 1 AM. Owen, who had slept soundly through the night woke up at 5:20 AM!

Jackson is going to be in the cast for 6-8 weeks once it is on. Basically I told him we hope it’s off when Santa comes just to give him something to look forward to.  His first question as he came out of sedation when his words weren’t even clear yet was if he could still be on the basketball team with his buddy. There will probably more tears in the coming weeks then there were last night. He remained in shock much of the evening and honestly did not cry until he came out of sedation and was disoriented. It will take a lot of adjusting to this new way of moving and lifting a cast that honestly is about half his body weight. He is such a string bean already.

My prayer requests at this time are that he would adjust back to school with his limitations at the moment. I had him home Wed and Thurs but Friday he managed most of the day at school. He was welcomed back with so much love from his class and felt so taken care of. I think once the cast signing and celebrity wear off he might have a hard time not being able to be active. The pain is lessening by the day. The first days were roughest but I think it was more from adjusting to it all (sort of a grieving time that I hadn’t totally expected) and the morphine wearing off. He is still having tough times when he realizes a new activity he can’t do. Yesterday it was not being able to ride his bike. Other than those tough times he is making do and joining in. Who says you can’t be the drummer or rake leaves with one arm!

Pray for me as I juggle Owen and try to teach him how to be gentle. The hard cast will go on on Wed which will reduce risk for the healing bones.

Pray for rest. For all of us! The first nights were very rough, they are improving. Jackson still needs pain medicine in the night so we are setting an alarm, feels a bit like having a baby again.

Pray that my nerves will regroup! So far we are doing well but I realized Tues night at the hospital that I was kind of coming down off the storm hype when this happened and I have just felt wiped out this week with the addition of the arm drama. I am trying not to be anxious about every little thing the boys do but I will say that stairs are still scary to me

So that’s the story. There are so many random things that I am thankful for. Had Sandy not blown through here Seth would not have been home to help me. Because of Sandy we had to postpone putting up a swing set for the boys. I was so bummed and frustrated about that last week but I cannot tell you how relieved I am to not have to restrict Jackson from a new swing set. I am so thankful Seth remembered to put out the fire in the fireplace and so thankful that my brother was able to be with Owen so he could sleep and Seth could assist me at the hospital.

Disclaimer: look at the below picture at your own risk. I did a thumbnail size, feel free to click on it to enlarge it if you are a glutton for punishment.

I sit down to write today with a bit of a heavy heart. It’s not that someone is sick or that we are losing our house (although that stinky chimney work is still going on and as long as I can hear it I am aware we are having to build a new chimney). Nothing that heavy. More of a momma bear kind of heavy heart.

Yesterday I picked Jackson up from school and he came running out to me. He crossed his arms and stuck his tongue out at his best little buddy. WHOA, whoa, whoa, what is going on here? I knew for him to be mad at him something had to have happened. On the verge of tears he explained to me that as he packed his backpack to come home the ziplock bag with backup underwear (yes I just said the work underwear, roll with it, I promise that is as bad as it gets)  fell out and the whole class laughed. Including his buddy. He told me that he was so embarrassed and felt so angry that they would laugh. I tried to take it all in stride. I didn’t want to make it a bigger deal than it was but I wanted him to know that he could talk to me about it.  I didn’t talk him out of it, geesh, it WAS humiliating. We all have dreams nightmares about the world seeing our underwear. And they aren’t fun. But for it to happen in front of 23 other people, people who’s opinions matter to you….is excruciating.  As we talked through it Seth and I told him embarrassing stories about ourselves and that we had felt the same way. I prayed that by this morning it would have blown over. And it hadn’t. The cloud was still there and our boy didn’t want to go to school to face all of his friends again. Because it happened at the end of the day he hadn’t had any time with his friends beyond the laughing and the teacher having to reprimand the class.  I talked to him about some things he could say that would be kind if other kids brought it up but I really encouraged him not to bring it up again with them…knowing that the giggles could start again if it came up. I dropped him off hesitantly this morning. And without him knowing (and holding back a few tears of my own) I wrote his teacher a quick email this morning. I  let her know that Jackson was still feeling badly about it and to just be listening in case it started again (I also wanted her to be aware that he might be super angry about it).  She wrote me back the kindest email. She understood and she was watching out.

Why on earth am I telling you this story and what the heck does it have to do with home? Well, this morning as I hesitantly got ready to head out with Jackson to school I thought about how our home is a safe haven and a spring board. Whatever emotions arise are safe here. I work to make this place physically comfortable and pretty but beyond that it needs to be a place of emotional comfort as well, and much more importantly. We come home, sometimes heavy laden and we unload here. We are safe to be happy, sad, angry, giddy, moody, overwhelmed…. We can work through these emotions together and in many forms and fashions. We each handle them so differently. (I’m the crier of the family…there, it’s out there.)  I work hard to acknowledge the boys feelings. Nothing worse than being sad or upset and then having someone tell you you don’t feel that way. We work through ways to deal with the emotions in ways that are healthy. Sometimes we are successful! And many times not. But regardless our home is a safe haven from the storms in life. Some storms seem small like a fallen ziplock of unmentionables and others big and consuming. But each storm is one that requires protection from the elements. We can come in, snuggle under a quilt and take the load off. We can open the creeky door of our hearts and know that whatever is inside is nothing to be ashamed of. We know we are still loved no matter how we feel.  And then we can find strength in this reassurance and we can see ourselves as we really are.

And as much as our home is a safe haven it is also a spring board back into the world, hopefully more equipped to respond and grow and make the world a better place. Stepping up to the spring board is painful…and dragging your child to the edge is even more painful when they have had a bad experience. But the thrill of the spring is so invigorating on the other end.  Being on the other side of the storm is so reassuring and affirming.  I don’t know how Jackson has fared his storm today. I trust he had a better day and I will soon find out. But this isn’t the last time something embarrassing will happen. It’s just the beginning of facing the world’s criticism and I pray that weathering these storms will make him a stronger guy, able to respond to his emotions and be sympathetic to others. (update: he broke the ice and had a much better day)

Is your home a safe haven? A place where you can safely be yourself and express how you feel?  Is it a place that readies you for the world and helps you step onto that spring board?  Ours is a constant work in progress and we have SO much to learn!

I knew the day was coming. It actually came a while back in the spring. Jackson learned the word “hate” at school and it was just a matter of time before he would think he knew how to use it when he got mad…at me. Over the summer tensions were at all all time high. For Jackson in particular. He was so ready to just be a kid and not be pulled and prodded along with every packed suitcase, daddy across the country and no sign of his earthly belongings. I knew it was coming but I wasn’t prepared for how sad it made me feel. Clearly I knew Jackson loved me and didn’t mean it but oh my was he in big trouble! His punishment from Seth was that he would have to sit down at the table and write “Jackson loves mommy”. Most dramatic hour ever.   Jackson’s writing was so crazy (because he was steaming and smoke was coming out his ears) and ginormous that he filled up the numbers without having to write in every line but he didn’t know the difference. He just knew he didn’t want to do that again. It wasn’t the last time he said it, it has come again since and I am afraid will come for years to come. Parenting is tough on many levels.  We get to be the guinea pigs for our children’s pilot personalities, quirks and charms.  We get the unedited version that needs to be refined. Often my boys look like mirrors to my own rough edges. Yikes.

Jackson’s behavior has been on the up and up and I can already see maturity in him since school started.  Owen has know stepped in to fill the space while Jackson is away and is attempting to pull out all of the 2 year old stops. He is ever so slowly realizing that I have seen this before and  the reactions just aren’t as satisfying the second time around.

So I mentioned that Seth was sending me out to write a couple of nights ago. it didn’t happen that night but last night I got out and it was such a nice breather to miss bed time and be out of the house. I ordered a decaf salted caramel mocha and it was so yummy! I rarely order something new because I am scared I won’t like it! I highly recommend it!  And I highly recommend stepping out during bedtime sometime…if you are able of course.  It’s good to gain some perspective on my job as a mom and that often requires stepping away for a bit!  Thanks, Seth!