Over the past months Seth and I have been working on helping Jackson and Owen to build strong family relationships and attempting to balance normal sibling rivalry with things we need to address. As parents sometimes it feels hard to know when to step back and when to jump in. I don’t think our boys are facing anything unusual but it can make our house less than peaceful and tests my patience!

As I have had coffee dates or visits with other friends I often ask what things they have done to bring their kids together and create positive sibling relationships. My brothers and I went to boarding school for two years at a very young age (first grade, 5th grade and 8th grade) and I think it was a time that was critical for siblings to be at home, learning how to relate and be connected. It isn’t that we don’t have relationships with one another it’s that at a young age we were sort of obligated to look out for each other in different ways and carry different stresses. We didn’t have a lot of normal down time together for trial and error and vulnerability in the relationship if that makes sense. So although my kids won’t be going to boarding school, I want to use these young years to foster deeper relationships and allow them to learn to encourage one another and see each others strengths and weaknesses.

While I was in Kentucky this past weekend I tried to soak up each and every bit of wisdom my friend Annie has gained in parenting. She and her husband Sean have done a great job of raising confident kids and amazingly, kids that consider each other friends even in these teenage years. Not to say they don’t have their porcupine moments like all kids but they enjoy each others company and work through conflict together.  I know Annie would attest to many hard days and many days where they would not say they are friends but they have been growing up and changing and there is evidence in their friendship.

When I asked Annie about things she does to bring the kids together these are a few of the things that came up…

Put out a game that is ongoing, that everyone can contribute to.

During the busy holiday season or kids sports seasons Annie pulls out the scrabble board and has it on the coffee table that is next to the kitchen. The kids may be in and out but everyone sits down now and then to add a word.

Celebrate the small victories in the day to day

You know the things like the A+ on the math test, the green light for behavior, or being extra helpful around the house. I have heard of having a birthday plate but not a plate to use spontaneously when there are extra things to celebrate. Annie told me about the red plate that comes out as needed.  I had an extra plate in my goodwill pile that I had not been able to justify a use for. It was one I painted years ago at a pottery shop and as much as I didn’t want to toss it, I didn’t have a good reason to store it.  When I got home from KY I went to the garage and scrounged up the festive plate from the giveaway pile. Jackson’s class started a new behavior plan and he came home with a green light. He was pleasantly surprised at dinner by a colorful new plate. I explained to the boys that we would be pulling it out on special occasions when we wanted them to know how special they are and that they had accomplished something special. I think it will also help them learn to encourage each other and celebrate each others victories.   Don’t get tempted to go out and buy a special plate for each kid. It is okay for the kids to celebrate each other. If you have a child that isn’t coming home with the A+ or the most goals, that is just fine! That isn’t the point. This will give you some push to look for the things to celebrate in your child. It might be that you noticed they handled a tough situation well, or had self control, or was thoughtful to hold the door open for someone. Get creative.

our plate is ready to go!

Be comfortable saying “no” to extra activities and do something as a family.

It’s not fun to be the bad guy but sometimes it is so important to say no in order to stay connected. The opportunities for our kids these days are endless. I feel awkward at times turning down play dates for Jackson and Owen and I know it’s even worse saying no to teenagers! But it’s critical. If we all took every opportunity we would have no time left for our families. These are the years to build good strong sibling relationships! Get them into the kitchen or kidnap them for a mini date to get an ice cream cone or go on a hike. So many people emphasize the one on one stuff but it’s important to put effort into the group times, besides just living together. Push through the grumbling, rolling eyes and “I don’t like doing that”. (if I had a dollar for every time Jackson told me he didn’t like my suggestion and then turned around and loved it, I would be rich!)

Make family dinner a priority. As much as possible!  …and get a piggy!

I spotted this little pig next to Annie’s stove and had to know the story behind the little guy…he used to reside on the table and if one of the kids had terrible manners during a meal the pig was moved to sit next to their plate. That meant they had to help with the dishes, clean up, etc. My kids are too little at this point to totally get it and truth is they would probably use bad manners to earn the pig rather than desire to avoid it. But I am on the hunt for a piggy and think it’s a fun way to show natural consequences and the need for good manners!

Work towards a family goal together…

My friend Margaret and I were talking a couple of months ago about helping our kids work through the fighting and sibling rivalry stuff. She had a great idea that she uses with her kids and shared with me! When she sees her kids displaying the qualities like love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self control (ie the fruit of the spirit)  they earn a marble that goes in a jar. They work as a family to fill the jar, and when the jar is full they pick an activity to do together as a family…movie night, s’mores over the fire, or an outing of some kind. We started our jar that week of our chat and I have to be honest it has taken us a looooong time to fill our little jar. But the marble earning is becoming more and more frequent and I am seeing heart changes. It takes my focus off of picking at the bad habits and puts the focus on me finding the good.   No longer are the boys faking nice and requesting a marble, more often than not I am catching them in the act of genuinely being kind or patient or ahem, holding back from punching his brother (not that that EVER happens at our home). We are a few marbles away from a special activity and the boys are so into it!

Take your child on a date to buy something special for their sibling. 

A couple of weeks ago I needed to get a hostess gift and Jackson drew the short straw that Sat and had to run errands with me. As we walked through Hallmark he perked up looking through cards and wanted to buy this one and that one. I asked if he would like to pick one for Owen. I wasn’t planning on it but it seemed like a nice way to encourage their relationship. I expected Jackson to say “no, I want to get one for _______”. Surprisingly he was so excited to pick one out for Owen. He looked around for a card with a dog on it because he knows Owen likes dogs. He held the card tightly as we walked to pay for it and made sure to keep it concealed until Owen was out of the room. Jackson sat a drew a picture for Owen and wrote a message to him. Then he decided to hide it on Owen’s pillow and drew him a map to lead him to it. So sweet. When Owen came home he was delighted to see what Jackson had done. Owen felt special. Jackson was so proud. Win win.  I had seen a glimpse of this when Jackson took money to school for secret Santa shopping. He could hardly contain his excitement and struggled to keep the gifts a secret. He knew he had picked just what we all would love. Could be picking a card but it could also be a candy bar, a flower from the yard, could be picking a picture of them off the computer to print and make a little sign for them. Be creative, or rather let them be creative.

 …

These are just a few ideas I have gathered from friends and my own experiences! They are pushing me away from the behavior charts and keeping score! (Not that there won’t be a time again for the charts but for now this is where we are at). None of them involve failure if we don’t do it every day which is huge in this stage of life!  It’s important to be consistent but sometimes I find myself feeling like I can’t keep up with the daily stuff…and I know my kids notice when I miss a day! I hope you will find these to be encouraging for your families! Don’t try to implement them all at once and tweak them to meet your family needs and ages of your kids. Slide a colorful thrift store plate into your plate stack as a reminder, take a family outing to Michael’s for your little ones to pick our a jar and bag of marbles….do little things along the way to build relationship and camaraderie.

Over the past week if you had been at our house you would have experienced dough people baking and bake fest 2012. Whew.  We also did our gingerbread house which thankfully required no baking, but smelled as if it was freshly baked!  Here are some pictures from our baking adventures!

lest you think it was all dreamy, take a look at my zopf loaf this yr! Terrible without those Swiss girls here to help me!

Oh me oh my!  Thankfully, Bake fest 2012 was more successful!

Bake fest 2012

Gingerbread house

there might have been a wall collapse

Thanks, Grandma for the gingerbread house! The boys loved working on it together! We’ve never had such a fancy kit!

Well hello! Not sure when you read this if we will be without power or not but with this magical world of blogging I was able to schedule this in advance. SO, even if we are floating away in our red rider wagon you all can enjoy someone else’s peaceful home!  Today I asked my sister-in-law Claire if she would write about her home in Oregon! Here is what she has to say…  (ps- you get to see my cute niece and nephew today!!)

Bright Windows

In western Oregon, sunlight can be hard to come by. It’s raining or about-to-rain eight months out of the year. So we spend a lot of our time indoors where it can feel dim and dreary.  But the windows in my home have become bright spots we all gravitate towards, especially my son. There are only four big windows in our downstairs—two in the kitchen and dining room, and two in the front room. So light is at a premium!

Every morning, I open the curtains and raise the blinds. And then we revel in what light there is.

Window Playground

Over the last two years, Benjamin has spent many hours playing in the curtains near the sliding glass door that leads into our spacious backyard.

And when there are sunny breaks and he runs out to play in the cold, I sometimes spy on him through the Cosmos flowers that are still holding on.

Kitchen Window

I love the window over my kitchen sink. It faces the bright backyard where I can watch Benjamin play, and it’s where I put flowers and herbs and anything else that needs a little light.

Window Chair

Last spring, I was browsing the local antique mall and noticed a little chair upholstered in the kind of tweed fabric my parents’ couch had when I was growing up. I made a second trip back to convince myself Benjamin needed it, bought it, and the little chair soon ended up by one of the front room windows. It has become a stepping stool for Benjamin to see what’s happening on the street and a natural reading spot, especially when grandparents visit.

Naps by the Window

My nine-month-old Madeleine hasn’t had much window play yet, but when she was only a week old, she used a cozy spot by the front window to catch a nap with Daddy.

But during a sunny break last week, I found her by the sliding glass door and snapped a picture of her wearing a flower headband I made for my Etsy shop, January Sun Yarnworks. She was a patient little model and glowed in the sunlight.

After looking back through these pictures I realize how important these windows are to me and my family, especially during the long stretch from October to May. So maybe I should take some time to get out the Windex and clean them…. J

Thanks. Claire! Wishing we could pop over to Oregon!!  Like now!  We have such fun memories of our visit to you guys!  (minus the time change adjustments!!)

Everyone check out Claire’s etsy shop for Christmas shopping and show her some love!! I know she would love to knit some lovelies for you!

Today’s guest post if from my mom.  So many of my savorings of home are things that my mom taught me how to do or how to enjoy. You will see home for her has been far from what many of us are accustomed to but somehow she made the place special and a place she could welcome others. Here are her reflections on home…

The painting “The Magpie” by Monet is one of my favorites:  A farmhouse is nestled in snow-covered hills while a bird sings on a fence with sunlight streaming over the scene letting you know that though the trees are bare spring is coming. This represents an ideal of home that lures me yet one that I have never known…permanence, surrounded by the comfort of the familiar!

In my real life I have lived more places than most people on the planet!  My parents were missionaries and being on the move was very much part of the lifestyle: a house on stilts in a dusty town off the railway line,  a home at a Bible school/leprosarium, two different houses in a provincial capital, and that was all before I started attending boarding school in three different countries! My best count is that I have lived in thirty homes so far.

These days, I call Ft. Worth, Texas my home. We are living in a charming 1930’s bungalow complete with a front porch swing and  pecan trees whose branches sweep down across the front of the house loaded with a harvest of nuts.  This is not our home really; the owner needed someone to commit to 27 months of caretaking for his two dogs Jake and Elwood while he went into the Peace Corps!  We not only inherited the dogs but all the friends that one would make in the course of living in one place for 25 years!  (Doesn’t God have His ways?)  

We have owned our own home during one season of our life when my husband pastored a church in Houston, Texas.  It was a wonderful, new home that provided space for our high school and college kids to come and go and a place where we welcomed our first three grandchildren.  Because of this house my mother, a retired missionary was able to live with us for eight years. It was a sad day when I packed up that house to move thinking of all the family dinners around that big table and the friends who had come and gone. God actually sent a hurricane barreling right towards our neighborhood the day I finished packing the last box!  It was a reminder of His great power and the impermanence of all we put our earthly security in.  (Believe me there have been days when I have moved forward dragging my feet every step wanting to have that back.)

One of my favorite places in my home is this corner where I drink my coffee each morning and ground my life in the truth of who God is.  My father used to love Psalm 90:1 which says, “Lord, You have been our home (dwelling place) throughout all generations.”  From this place of deep and enduring relationship I have known “home” and have been able to open my life and space to new friends in every new place.  One evening this week a dozen new friends will gather and we will study the book of Luke which tells about the incarnation of Christ, One who came and made His home among us so that we could know who God is.

The other reasons I love my corner is that behind me are the faces of the people I love most- my children and grandchildren and on my lap is always my little friend, Bogie.  Memories of holidays together and the growing up years, the visits and hope of more visits to come make this house a home.

Thanks for sharing mom!  Can’t wait to have you and dad here for Christmas!

Hope you all have a great day as this week winds down. It’s Kindergarten field trip day for us today! I am going with Jackson on the big yellow bus!! Wish me luck.