It’s with a heavy heart that I write this morning. Yesterday a co-worker of my mom’s took his life. In the past year he had lost multiple family members of his own and was fighting his own battle with aggressive Parkinson’s disease.  He could no longer take it anymore. You can imagine the grief his family feels as they grapple with why life wasn’t worth living.

Loving the least of these

Many of you know my mom. One of the things that I love about my mom and that drives me crazy about her all at the same time is her ability to meet people and love them despite their quirks and crazies. She is notorious for the most hilarious stories about co-workers and neighbors. Years ago I would have thought she was enhancing the stories but since I have seen more and more how people feel comfortable with her and pour out their lives to her within hours of meeting. No matter your past or current predicament, she is a willing ear and on standby to make a meal, pay a visit, or drive you to the doctor. She loses sleep over her friends lives. As a pastors wife you would have expected her to befriend the women with the neatly pressed dresses and lives that seemed to be full of grace and patience but she has always befriended those that most desperately needed a friend.   And she enjoyed them for their quirkiness and helped them through dealing with their past of abuse, broken marriages, the birth of children, the loss of children, the death of aging parents, and even their own death.

I think specifically of her friend Chris. She was a character if I have ever known one. She had wiry red hair, a raspy smokers voice and was a spit fire if there ever was one. She talked loudly and was in everyone’s business. She worked at the school with my mom and was diagnosed with a rare degenerative muscle disorder. She went from being a lively, feisty lady working with special needs kids to losing her ability to care for herself. My mom faithfully drove to her home to lift her into her car to take her to church. For years. Chris had been through a couple of marriages and much heart ache in her life. My mom loved her through it.

I know this co-worker was no different for my mom. He sounded like a mess. She listened to his stories about the Parkinson’s deteriorating his memory and his dreams to retire that could not be fulfilled because he would have to live with his son due to his increasing caretaker needs. In the end he made up stories of going off to see a relative across the country who needed a kidney. He talked of donating one because he knew his body wasn’t going to need it much longer.  In reality he was building a plan to take his own life.

The truth is I find myself being more and more like my mom as I get older. I would much prefer for people to be real with me and to see who they really are than to have people feel like they need to impress me. I want to be my imperfect self and not feel the need to hide the rough around the edges parts.  I find that friendships are emotional and often inconvenient if you do them well. Rewarding and fulfilling as well but they take great effort!

I am so sad for my mom’s loss of a friend and co-worker.  And I am so sad to hear of yet another person who’s life wasn’t worth living. But I know that in his final days my mom was someone that showed him an example of Christ’s love and spoke honest truth into his life.  Loving the least of these isn’t about just feeding the hungry and taking in orphans. It’s about being kind and accepting of those people in our lives that don’t always have it together or don’t always believe the same way we do or live their lives like we do. It’s living our lives with hope and sharing it with the hopeless.

Wait, stop. This momma isn’t gonna buy anything. or at least not a string of things to keep you feeling happy if one thing breaks.

We have sung this song a zillion times with our boys. Well, mainly with Jackson when he was younger. But sometime around the time that Jackson hit his toddler prime I became very disenchanted with it. He was totally self-absorbed, as he should have been as a 2 something and spent every ounce of his energy to get what he wanted. And somehow, at some point I sang that song and it hit me that I was feeding him a message I wasn’t sure I wanted him to have. Don’t worry if this doesn’t work because we will buy you something else, and if that doesn’t work, don’t worry…we will just find something better. The other message is if you are quiet I will get you what you want.

Now just to clarify, I am not against a good bribe. There are times and places when bribes are a NECESSITY. You may not agree and that is okay. But I find there are times when a distraction, i.e. a piece of candy or something unexpected, can be both pacifying and motivating. And yes, at least in our home there are times when certain members of the family need encouragement to be quiet or motivated to obedience, whichever the case may be.

The truth is we do love to give our children gifts. And gifts are fun and satisfying. But they aren’t going to fulfill us. There is comfort for a child in knowing that their parents can provide for them. But I think we are doing our children a disservice if we let them think we can fix anything and provide everything.  Because the truth is we can’t. And I am sort of a perfectionist so this is hard to say. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t mind my kids being proud of their mom and thinking she is superwoman…but I am not. As Jackson has grown I have been talking to him about how the things we have are blessings. I don’t hesitate to say, Daddy has been working extra hard at work to make money for us to use and we have decided we will use some of our money to buy such and such. I don’t want him to think he can get anything he wants. Sure I want him to be happy and as a parent I do want to give him things he will enjoy but that doesn’t always mean it’s the best thing for him. I want him to see a correlation between work and earning, and I want him to see the joy in unexpected blessings.

And if you sing this song, sing away. But for now while my kids are in the “me”, “mine”, “all my own”, “more”, “it’s just not fair” phase of life I think I am going to look for some other tunes! Because this momma is too tired to go hunting for a mocking bird that sings, shiny diamond ring, a looking glass, a billy goat and a horse and cart.

I hate change. Like hate it. I like plans and I like predictability. (Insert laugh out loud here that I find myself yet again far from home). But it goes deeper than not just enjoying frequent changes in address. I like being able to count on people to be who I think they are. More than counting on other people to be who I expect, I like to recognize myself! Over the past few months I have found myself just not feeling quite like myself.  It’s been more than humbling.

There are times in my life I look back on fondly and I can wish that people and things are like they were. But they aren’t. and thank goodness. I am positive Seth doesn’t want me to live as someone stuck in the past. He wants me to be here and in the now.  My kids deserve my affection and attention and shouldn’t have to beg for it when I am distracted by life. Change is hard but I know we are better for it.

A couple of yrs ago we experienced a curve ball in life that we weren’t expecting. As jolting and trying it was and continues to be, I have to take times periodically to step back and watch the changes that have come and the growth that has taken place. I can’t deny God’s hand in our lives and in the lives of others around us. For a while I tried to ride on the wave of blaming others for my feelings and for distance. I am SLOWLY realizing that it isn’t worth sacrificing my own joy to wallow in what I deserve or how things may have turned out prettier.  A friend recently tried on clothes with some girl friends and after trying numerous things her friend said “well, it is what it is”. I have used that quote in my own head alot lately. It’s so true. It is what it is. It isn’t “when I am skinnier”, “when it is sunnier”, “when they are happier and healthier”, “when so and so does____”. It is what it is. And I want to cash in on life. I can hold on to memories or I can embrace change.

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in

by Leonard Cohen

I may have posted the above before..I liked it so much when I saw it it is very possible I have used it. But it is appropriate here. I try so hard for perfect offerings and I often expect perfect offerings from those I love. I want things to be pretty and want to fix every crack. Thank goodness we are cracked because I sure do love the light. I am positive a few cracks have been added to my self over the past yrs, but I am also positive that I am experiencing more light than I did before. Look in the mirror and see what cracks you have. They may be prettier than you thought. Or they may need to crack a bit more to allow a little more light in.

This is what Jackson said to Owen as he screamed on our way to church on Christmas Eve! I have to say this was the best Christmas we have had. Not just because Owen joined us only days before..although that had a lot to do with it. It was that we were with family and friends, we made snowmen, snow angels, baked cookies, read Christmas books, decorated our tree together, made a gingerbread house, gave and received gifts, sang our favorite songs and just enjoyed being together.  It was the first year that Jackson began to understand Jesus. we spent many hours singing carols of Jesus’ birth and we listened to him ask question after question about all things Christmas.

My parents were here to celebrate with us for Christmas. We ate yummy food, exchanged gifts and had a fun time watching Jackson open gifts with great enthusiasm. One of my favorite gifts this year is the recipe book that my mom recreated for me. The original was my wedding gift from her and it was lost in our box when we moved back a few months ago. So, she spent so much time handwriting all of our favorites again. We had Christmas dinner at my brother Ryan’s home with his family. A couple of days after Christmas our extended family from my dad’s side made the trek over from Maryland for a fun evening of visiting and …you guessed it, more eating. Here are a zillion pictures from Christmas.

Christmas Eve service…Jackson was slightly disappointed when he realized that there was no baby swaddled in a manger. After looking in for Jesus he said “mom, it’s just a pretend blanket”

the cutest stocking stuffer!

Advent calender

Jackson wanted to make a Jackson snowman and an Owen snowman

It was the year of the shortbread cookie!  My mom made Jackson his own huge container….and he ate and ate and ate.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wNPnqhB36b4]

We hope you and yours had a very Merry Christmas!