Throughout this year I have been attending Community Bible Study on Wednesday mornings. We have been studying 1 and 2 Peter which if you have ever read through them you know they are heavy on facing trials. I had never studied them in depth. Most weeks the study felt quite heavy. In many ways it pulled me back to the times we have been through hardship. It forced me to examine how I have walked the roads given me and what I have learned from the experiences. I can’t say I was strengthened or peaceful or joyful through most of the trials I’ve been through. And if I am honest I still carry the baggage from each of them. I think looking back it’s always easier to see how we were strong or how we endured, but in it, those feelings are often far from felt.
Last week we were supposed to share with our group how the study had changed us and what we would be taking away. As I tore up my herb garden on Tuesday I was thinking through what the study has meant to me and what if anything I could share. As I knelt down and balanced on the wobbly log bordering our garden I dug deep to attempt to unearth the roots of the spearmint. I began thinking about it like our trials that we studied about this year in bible study. Every garden there ever was has likely been overgrown by mint at some point. While the final product is bright, vibrant and sweet smelling leaves, below the surface mint roots grow wild and can take over if not maintained. When you think you want a little mint for this and that you get a garden full. A bad day comes and goes and you roll with it. A longer stretch of sickness or a long winter drags on and you begin to feel the wear and tear. A permanent loss and you wonder if you will be the same. At some point you get fed up with the work of maintenance and the overgrowth. Mint grows deep and wide and when you think you have gotten every last bit from the flower bed, low and behold a new fresh leaf pops up. Much like the trials in our lives. The grief, pain and aftermath likewise spread roots deep and wide. They can feel suffocating and debilitating at their worst. When we think we have dealt with things they suddenly resurface and beg our attention. We can “maintain” life but in no certain amount of time we can expect the roots to begin slowly growing until they have rooted a whole new plant. A diagnosis, a lost job, another snow day (esp relevant after 11 this winter!!), a strained relationship. A new root takes hold, a new trial that sends us questioning “why?”, when we have done all of the right things, this could be happening to us? 1 Peter 4:12 says “Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you.” But over and over again I act shocked when tough times come. They send me for a tailspin regardless of knowing we are bound to have them in this life. I am forced to revisit my own theology and what I believe about God. I am reminded of my need to know Him more.
After each woody root branch latches to the soil and sufficiently holds it’s own, a fresh leaf pushes up through the soil. Who can say that a fresh sprig of mint in summer sweet tea or a scoop of mint chocolate chip ice cream aren’t so satisfying? It’s through our trials that we can relate to others and have something to share. I would have never dreamed that walking the road of addiction with a family member would later be turned into an opportunity to sit with a friend in grief over her son. Or that my miscarriages would equip me to shed tears with a mourning mother. Or that my long term health issues in early marriage would allow me to relate to friends struggling with health issues that wear on them often unspoken. Or that sitting in the seat of a pediatric oncologists waiting room and being slapped with a shattering diagnosis would allow me to see the heart of a mom facing a similar slam. Or that our many moves would allow me to offer support and comic relief to others struggling with the constant changes. To turn the feelings of isolation and uncertainty I felt into reassuring words for others would not have been fathomable from the places of grief. The remnant roots of trials are necessary to allow growth that can be shared with others facing the same trials. And the timeliness of new leaves when a friend’s need arises is even more stunning than the trial itself years ago.
I don’t have a beautiful bouquet of flowers to offer but rather a bunch of spearmint from my garden, with dangling roots still clumped with the soil and maybe an inchworm or two. The hands that offer it are soil-stained, nails filled with grit. It’s a messy offering but the fruit of our trials are. 1 Peter 3:15 But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have.” My meager offerings are just a snippet to remind me of God’s faithfulness to me throughout the trying times. The grief and pain continue to grow into something useful…but only if I am willing to share. I am continuing to balance on the edge of the garden and look for those useful harvests to take from my hard times. It will be a lifelong process.
Philipians 4:8 says “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things”
When friends who do not attend a church or bible study think it’s all about coming all pretty and put together I can say from experience that in my experience this year it has been more about a bunch of tired gardeners showing up with their weathered gardening hands offering vibrant bouquets of spearmint! Each their own variety for sharing and offering support for each other. We swap garden cuttings and come home with a new mix. We enjoyed the fruits of our trials together. Just like Psalm 34:8 says, “Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.” Thanks, ladies for a great year. And thank you to our small group leader for your gentle leadership that certainly met us all where we were.
We had a really nice Easter this year. We celebrated with the usual traditions of attending a special Easter service, going to an egg hunt, getting baskets of candy and delicious food. The most special thing this year for Seth and I was that both Jackson and Owen were really interested in the story of Easter. Throughout last week Seth read through the Easter story to them in pieces. They were all ears and had great questions. On Good Friday when Seth sat on their floor with the lights dim and boys heads on pillows ready for story time Seth told the boys he was going to read about Jesus dying on the cross. Owen exclaimed “ohhh I love that part of the story”. lol. Clearly he doesn’t love that Jesus died on the cross but he and Jackson were engaged and for the first time Owen was in on the action. Our church sang the song Christ is Risen, He is Risen Indeed by the Getty’s throughout the season leading up to Easter. It has become a favorite. I will attempt to add the link below…
We hosted my brother and his family for brunch and it was SO refreshing for me to work on creative, hostessy things again after a hiatus since MaryAnne was born. I have so missed having people in our home. It was nice to try a couple of new recipes and sweep up old cheeries off the floor and wipe off crusted finger prints spruce up the table. We had lots of great food but this time around my criteria was a bit different…I made things that make great leftovers, easy prep, and kid-friendly for the most part with a few specials! My mom always jokes that as kids we knew it was a holiday when there was kiwi in the fruit salad. To this day I love the sight of a big fruit salad with kiwi to boot.
For those interested in the menu…
Easter Brunch Menu
Mimosas for the adults and Strawberry lemonade for the kiddos
{you can get fancy about this but I just layered chocolate pudding with crushed Joe Joe cookies from TJ’s! Added a few gummy worms and flowers and the kids loved it!}
As I sit down to share this post it feels a bit like dejavu. Like I have already written these words in years past because it’s likely I have these same thoughts each time this season comes. But that’s how seasons are after all. Spring is coming and so are the changes that it brings. After a snowy week last week the weekend was warm and begging for us to come on outside. The sound of the table saw whizzing through boards that turned into a beautiful window box, little boys wobbly on longtime hibernating bikes, learning to use a jump rope for the first time and the garden gloves covered with fresh mess were evidence of the day.
I gave the flowers beds a once over glance before diving in and it looked like nothing but brown. Apart from some unruly daffodils that have sprung up in no particular order, the bushes are naked twigs and the once flowering plants are withered and show the wear of winter. As I knelt and pulled away the dead I saw the new shoots coming up buried below the brush. As I bent down on the level of the bushes I saw not only dry wood but fresh buds eeking out. I was reminded once again of the need to prune and pull back the old. Those bundles of dead grasses and old blooms serve their purpose to protect during the cold, yet at some point they have to go if the new is going to come. This winter has had it’s share of cold and dry, old blooms in our lives. Dreams that have peaked and tough things that I am ready to toss in the waste. Yet as I do the chilly air meets the new plants and I pray that the new ones will be strong enough to face it. Amazingly they are and day by day I can see their growth. This year will no doubt be packed with growth and change and as the seasons roll on we will no doubt roll into another Fall and another winter. The faith journey will follow suit and we will go through those times of sharp pruning, upturned soil, new growth, mature fruit often followed by quiet times of quiet hibernation. I love Spring and all that it welcomes! But first comes the pruning. Necessary, delicate and growth-bringing. My Spring heart is revealed, new and ready for what is to come, but shivering every so often as it feels the remnant winter breezes.
Summer and winter, and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above,
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.
Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,
Thy own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!
This season happens to come at a funny time in the typical foreign service timeline. For those of you in the FS family you know that around 6-8 months you step back and evaluate your new life. This back home post has proven to be no different. The first month are settling in and enjoying the “harvest” so to speak followed by some hunkering down and navigating the new waters. By this point you have your feet solid on the ground, the logistics sorted out, lots of networks springing up but it’s time to really evaluate the depth of what you’ve been cultivating. What are we spending our time, energy, money and life on? What are we looking towards in the future? How are we putting down roots and maintaining relationships that matter? We are in the midst of that pruning season too in addition to spiritual pruning. Thankfully through these seasons we hold on to the words in the hymn above that remind us that God’s presence cheers and guides us through His faithfulness!
Over the past months Seth and I have been working on helping Jackson and Owen to build strong family relationships and attempting to balance normal sibling rivalry with things we need to address. As parents sometimes it feels hard to know when to step back and when to jump in. I don’t think our boys are facing anything unusual but it can make our house less than peaceful and tests my patience!
As I have had coffee dates or visits with other friends I often ask what things they have done to bring their kids together and create positive sibling relationships. My brothers and I went to boarding school for two years at a very young age (first grade, 5th grade and 8th grade) and I think it was a time that was critical for siblings to be at home, learning how to relate and be connected. It isn’t that we don’t have relationships with one another it’s that at a young age we were sort of obligated to look out for each other in different ways and carry different stresses. We didn’t have a lot of normal down time together for trial and error and vulnerability in the relationship if that makes sense. So although my kids won’t be going to boarding school, I want to use these young years to foster deeper relationships and allow them to learn to encourage one another and see each others strengths and weaknesses.
While I was in Kentucky this past weekend I tried to soak up each and every bit of wisdom my friend Annie has gained in parenting. She and her husband Sean have done a great job of raising confident kids and amazingly, kids that consider each other friends even in these teenage years. Not to say they don’t have their porcupine moments like all kids but they enjoy each others company and work through conflict together. I know Annie would attest to many hard days and many days where they would not say they are friends but they have been growing up and changing and there is evidence in their friendship.
When I asked Annie about things she does to bring the kids together these are a few of the things that came up…
Put out a game that is ongoing, that everyone can contribute to.
During the busy holiday season or kids sports seasons Annie pulls out the scrabble board and has it on the coffee table that is next to the kitchen. The kids may be in and out but everyone sits down now and then to add a word.
Celebrate the small victories in the day to day
You know the things like the A+ on the math test, the green light for behavior, or being extra helpful around the house. I have heard of having a birthday plate but not a plate to use spontaneously when there are extra things to celebrate. Annie told me about the red plate that comes out as needed. I had an extra plate in my goodwill pile that I had not been able to justify a use for. It was one I painted years ago at a pottery shop and as much as I didn’t want to toss it, I didn’t have a good reason to store it. When I got home from KY I went to the garage and scrounged up the festive plate from the giveaway pile. Jackson’s class started a new behavior plan and he came home with a green light. He was pleasantly surprised at dinner by a colorful new plate. I explained to the boys that we would be pulling it out on special occasions when we wanted them to know how special they are and that they had accomplished something special. I think it will also help them learn to encourage each other and celebrate each others victories. Don’t get tempted to go out and buy a special plate for each kid. It is okay for the kids to celebrate each other. If you have a child that isn’t coming home with the A+ or the most goals, that is just fine! That isn’t the point. This will give you some push to look for the things to celebrate in your child. It might be that you noticed they handled a tough situation well, or had self control, or was thoughtful to hold the door open for someone. Get creative.
our plate is ready to go!
Be comfortable saying “no” to extra activities and do something as a family.
It’s not fun to be the bad guy but sometimes it is so important to say no in order to stay connected. The opportunities for our kids these days are endless. I feel awkward at times turning down play dates for Jackson and Owen and I know it’s even worse saying no to teenagers! But it’s critical. If we all took every opportunity we would have no time left for our families. These are the years to build good strong sibling relationships! Get them into the kitchen or kidnap them for a mini date to get an ice cream cone or go on a hike. So many people emphasize the one on one stuff but it’s important to put effort into the group times, besides just living together. Push through the grumbling, rolling eyes and “I don’t like doing that”. (if I had a dollar for every time Jackson told me he didn’t like my suggestion and then turned around and loved it, I would be rich!)
Make family dinner a priority. As much as possible! …and get a piggy!
I spotted this little pig next to Annie’s stove and had to know the story behind the little guy…he used to reside on the table and if one of the kids had terrible manners during a meal the pig was moved to sit next to their plate. That meant they had to help with the dishes, clean up, etc. My kids are too little at this point to totally get it and truth is they would probably use bad manners to earn the pig rather than desire to avoid it. But I am on the hunt for a piggy and think it’s a fun way to show natural consequences and the need for good manners!
Work towards a family goal together…
My friend Margaret and I were talking a couple of months ago about helping our kids work through the fighting and sibling rivalry stuff. She had a great idea that she uses with her kids and shared with me! When she sees her kids displaying the qualities like love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self control (ie the fruit of the spirit) they earn a marble that goes in a jar. They work as a family to fill the jar, and when the jar is full they pick an activity to do together as a family…movie night, s’mores over the fire, or an outing of some kind. We started our jar that week of our chat and I have to be honest it has taken us a looooong time to fill our little jar. But the marble earning is becoming more and more frequent and I am seeing heart changes. It takes my focus off of picking at the bad habits and puts the focus on me finding the good. No longer are the boys faking nice and requesting a marble, more often than not I am catching them in the act of genuinely being kind or patient or ahem, holding back from punching his brother (not that that EVER happens at our home). We are a few marbles away from a special activity and the boys are so into it!
Take your child on a date to buy something special for their sibling.
A couple of weeks ago I needed to get a hostess gift and Jackson drew the short straw that Sat and had to run errands with me. As we walked through Hallmark he perked up looking through cards and wanted to buy this one and that one. I asked if he would like to pick one for Owen. I wasn’t planning on it but it seemed like a nice way to encourage their relationship. I expected Jackson to say “no, I want to get one for _______”. Surprisingly he was so excited to pick one out for Owen. He looked around for a card with a dog on it because he knows Owen likes dogs. He held the card tightly as we walked to pay for it and made sure to keep it concealed until Owen was out of the room. Jackson sat a drew a picture for Owen and wrote a message to him. Then he decided to hide it on Owen’s pillow and drew him a map to lead him to it. So sweet. When Owen came home he was delighted to see what Jackson had done. Owen felt special. Jackson was so proud. Win win. I had seen a glimpse of this when Jackson took money to school for secret Santa shopping. He could hardly contain his excitement and struggled to keep the gifts a secret. He knew he had picked just what we all would love. Could be picking a card but it could also be a candy bar, a flower from the yard, could be picking a picture of them off the computer to print and make a little sign for them. Be creative, or rather let them be creative.
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These are just a few ideas I have gathered from friends and my own experiences! They are pushing me away from the behavior charts and keeping score! (Not that there won’t be a time again for the charts but for now this is where we are at). None of them involve failure if we don’t do it every day which is huge in this stage of life! It’s important to be consistent but sometimes I find myself feeling like I can’t keep up with the daily stuff…and I know my kids notice when I miss a day! I hope you will find these to be encouraging for your families! Don’t try to implement them all at once and tweak them to meet your family needs and ages of your kids. Slide a colorful thrift store plate into your plate stack as a reminder, take a family outing to Michael’s for your little ones to pick our a jar and bag of marbles….do little things along the way to build relationship and camaraderie.
